“Turkey Day! Turkey Day! Time to gorge on food! It’s a four-day weekend, too, so man, this day is good!

Turkey Day! Turkey Day! Time to fill your face! Sittin’ at the kiddie table, that’s the funnest place!

Dashing to the stove, with a two-ply paper plate, staring with the rolls, there’s no more time to wait,

Pile those dumplings high, pour gravy on those peas, and all you have to do is just say ‘thank you’ and say ‘please’, oh,

Turkey Day! Turkey Day! Best time of the year! Even when your Uncle Ralph had one too many beers, hey,

Turkey Day! Turkey Day! Bless us, everyone! Unless you are the turkey, it’s a day that’s full of fun!”

 

Happy Thanksgiving from The Pioneer News!

It’s no secret that each year the holidays creep further up the calendar. Kind of like global warming, you know’s it’s coming, and no matter what you try to do you just can’t seem to avoid it.

Since radio stations started playing Christmas songs on November 1, making us sick of Christmas songs by Thanksgiving, I decided a way to fix that issue would be to create temporary lyrics of Christmas songs for Thanksgiving.

Maybe this stemmed from seeing that Weird Al movie, but why not? Then, after Turkey Day, we can revert back to all the usual Christmas lyrics.

Thanksgiving is a pretty major holiday, and it wouldn’t be right to bypass it in the joyous and overbearing celebration of those other two late-year holidays (By the way, maybe don’t say “bypass” when discussing Thanksgiving). So, since the inevitable is what it is, why not adapt appropriately?:

 

“Oh, the turkey is so delicious, and the green beans most nutritious,

After buttering up the roll… stuff your hole, stuff your hole, stuff your hole!

Au gratin with more cheese you’re grating, and the pumpkin pie is waiting,

All the gas will make your tummy grow… stuff your hole, stuff your hole, stuff your hole!

When we finally reach dessert, all the pies are full of prints from our thumbs,

And if we end up trying everything, on the way home we’ll take Tums.

Oh, my sister feels like she’s dying, but the yams my bro’s still trying,

It’s the day when you just can’t say no… stuff your hole, stuff you hole, stuff your hole!” 

 

So maybe you would prefer a more traditional type of song. Well, like a Thanksgiving feast, there’s plenty to choose from:

 

“Oh, there’s no place like home on Thanksgiving Day, and no matter what time you have your meal,

When you can’t see your own plate from the pile of food, then you’ll know for sure Thanksgiving’s a sweet deal.

I met a man in my Mom’s kitchen and he was headed for, dessert table for Mom’s homemade pumpkin pie.

Outside Grandpa and Uncle Ed will deep fry beef and fish and fowl… but the turkey most specific, though the whole thing ends horrific,

Oh there’s no place like home on Thanksgiving Day, cuz no matter how far away you stray,

You can’t disprove your link to all your relatives, who’ll plop down onto your couch and there they’ll stay.”

 

Nay nay, you say… you want to hear even more traditional Thanksgiving songs, right? We can handle that:

“They came upon the Mayflower, that glorious boat was old,

The Pilgrims sailed across the earth, and man, those dudes were cold!

‘Let’s wear these hats with buckled belts, and see if someone’s here,’

Then Natives came and saw those hats, and laughed and had no fear.

A feast they had will all those folks who made it through the cold

And Squanto, sitting by John Smith, the toast he made was bold:

‘Let’s not forget our friendship here, for years we’ll all give thanks!

But turkey’s way too hard to cook, next year just beans and franks!’”

 

We really should get the kids involved in all this new holiday fun, right?:

 

“Jacob, the thin-necked turkey had a really skinny neck

And if you ever saw him, you’d stare and then say ‘what the heck?!?’

All of the other turkeys, used to laugh at Jacob’s snood.

They never thought poor Jacob would ever be Thanksgiving food.

Then one cold Thanksgiving Eve, Chef Nick came to say,

‘Jacob, with your neck so thin, my old oven you’ll fit in!’

Then all the turkeys saw him, as the table’s centerpiece.

Jacob, the thin-necked turkey… somebody save me a piece!”

 

Isn’t the entire day of a holiday supposed be festive somehow? I guess this part is festive, but it always made me sleepier than the tryptophan:

 

“Wake the kids, parades are starting, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Kosair Shriners are Go-Karting, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Big balloons, Garfield and Snoopy, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la!

Spiderman looks kind of droopy, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Broadway stars are riding turkeys, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Baseball players with racehorse jockeys, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Same dumb jokes from commentators, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la!

Wave to Mom back in Decatur, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

See the Muppets on parade floats, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Singers lip-sync songs in large coats, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Rockettes kick while bands are playing, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la!

Santa’s here, there’s no delaying, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!”

 

The Macy’s Parade might start the day, but we all know what’s gonna end it:

 

“We three uncles came here to eat, cutting lines to pile up more meat,

Too much gravy, feeling wavy, where is the toilet seat… gro-oooooan…

Uncles parade hits the floor, slowly race to bathroom door,

Dance and spin to hold it in, in two more hours they’ll eat some more!”

 

Sure, it’s all about the turkey on Thanksgiving, but what about that forgotten lovable alternate character?:

 

“O, country ham, your skin is slowly glist’nin, it ’tis the night when the turkey’s no more.

Stored for a week, cuz nobody else would touch you… the little kids, your fat lines, can’t ignore.

So no one gets you, there’s no room on plates. In a few more days you will not go to waste,

Grab me some bread, to the fridge I now am headin’,

At night, just right, add Swiss cheese, then take a bite,

All night… all night, o country ham, you taste alright!”

 

Someone usually does something embarrassing on Thanksgiving. Try to make sure it’s not you:

 

“Silent burp, hold-it-in burp, all was loud, snuck a burp.

’Twas ok ’til it released and passed. Old aunt’s struggling and waves away gas,

Gheeze, that smell is the wor-orst! Ghee-eeze that smell is the worst!

Silent burp, hold-it-in burp, tryptophan made me the perp.

Tried to hold it, but waited too long. Grandma sniffed and said ‘something is wrong,”

Tradition at it’s wor-orst, Just hope that you’re never first.”

 

It may not be so traditional to you to add Thanksgiving lyrics to Christmas songs, but in today’s world, what it tradition, really?  Especially for a holiday where everyone seems more inclined to focus on a meal than the holiday’s true spirit of giving thanks. And I’m thankful that I can do this:

 

“We wish you a good Thanksgiving, we wish you a good Thanksgiving, we wish you a good Thanksgiving, and the rest of the year!

Remember, give thanks, for friends and for kin, for a meal and a table and a towel ‘neath your chin.

And there is no figgy pudding, some pie but no figgy pudding, and if there’s some figgy pudding I will leave it right there.

We won’t go without leftovers, we won’t go without leftovers, we won’t go without leftovers, and we brought Tupperware.”

 

Please find any way you can to enjoy the holiday. And please remember the true spirit and be thankful for what you do have. Try to remember to be helpful and considerate to those that do not have what you have. All fun aside… Thanksgiving is not about turkey, it’s about giving thanks.

 

“Should old acquaintances show up, and drink all of your wine,

Should old acquaintances throw up, give thanks for turpentine!

For turpentine should clean that up, a load of turpentine,

They’ll drink some more and hit the floor, but smell like turpentine!”

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Please be thankful! And thank you!